Testimonial

Dana I was wondering if you could help me with a problem?”  Little did I know that that would be the line to change my life.  On that Sunday Butch would asked me if I had ever eaten alone, and I responded yes, but I did not particularly like it.  Well, needless to say, neither did he and he ask me if I would like to join him for dinner.  I was not quite sure what I thought about this man and his approach, however there was a gentleness and a sweetness to him that I could not ignore.  Yet, I could also sense a deep shame and hurt that engulfed his very being.  Shame from what you ask?  At the time I really did not know.  Here was a world-renowned surgeon who seemed to have the world in the palm of his hand, yet there seemed to be this anchor constantly dragging him down.  It was his weight.  Make no mistake Butch was a big guy.  Standing 6’5inches and weighing at that time 450 lbs., Butch was a force to be reckoned with.  Of course, when I first met him I thought he was a big guy but not overly large.  I myself stand 6’2 inches, so his height and weight were not that intimidating to me.  Please don’t get me wrong, I knew the he needed to lose weight but that was not what I was constantly concentrating on.  Everyone else around me seemed to be doing that for me.  As Butch and I started to date seriously, people were accusing me of being with him because he was a surgeon, because of course why else would a seemingly beautiful young lady (that is what I was told) want to be with a morbidly obese man…. what could she possibly see in him?  That was my introduction to Butch’s world of “fat haters”, one that I would grow to despise.

In writing this testimony it took a lot of soul searching on my part to really divulge my true feelings about Butch’s weight and how it affected me.  One aspect of the “challenge” was the limitations that were put on our lives.  This problem just didn’t affect Butch but our whole family.  There were times that I would like to plan simple things that seem to be normal or no brainers for most people however in our family it would take great patience and persuasiveness on my part to accomplish the task.  For example if I wanted to go to the Theatre or take in a concert I would always seem to get resistance from Butch.  Not so much that he didn’t deep down inside want to go but I am sure he was thinking are the seats going to be comfortable and will I be stared at like a monkey at the zoo.  If we did decide to go out to dinner I was always so anxious because I was hoping that the seating would be sufficient (no arms on the seat) so that Butch can be comfortable.  If there were not adequate seating for Butch then he would complain and become moody which would change the whole evening.  At one point it was even difficult for us to walk with our arms around each, something that I had dreamed of doing.  Simple things, yet so hard for the nutritionally challenged and their spouses.  I love my husband, God knows that I do, however I became angry and frustrated at times of feeling deprived.  Deprived from doing “normal” things that most couples/families do.  But how do you communicate this to your spouse?  You know that they know they have a weight problem, so why would you dare to bring these things up to them and make them feel even worse.  You are supposed to be the strong one and the one that protects them from this evil world of “Fat Haters”.  Right? Wrong!!!!  If you don’t listen to anything else I have said in this chapter, please get this. Do not neglect your feelings in order to protect your spouse. Now I am not suggesting that you insult, berate or talk down to your spouse at all, I am merely suggesting that you communicate how you feel about how certain situations affect you.  And guess what?  It is OK do to that!!!! This is however not the time to tell them they need to lose weight.  They know that already!!!  What they may not know is how deeply you are affected by their situation. This is the time that you humbly come to them and reassure them that you love them as well as candidly and honestly tell them how you truly feel.  As spouses of the nutritionally challenged we feel like we are not suppose to complain and have legitimate feelings regarding our spouses weight and their limitations.  We feel like if we don’t discuss it somehow the problem will go away, but it never does. We are supposed to be the ones with unlimited patience and yet never complain or discuss how truly certain situations make us feel.  We are supposed to be the silent sufferers.

I hope that this non-judgmental (forum) website will encourage loved ones to express their feelings and emotions freely.  By having positive dialogue I am hoping to in some small way heal the hurts of an extraordinary group of people that have been forgotten…..the loved ones of the nutritionally challenged.